What does "getting to know a person" really mean?
Everyone knows that "communication is key" to building a relationship, but in the age of personal messages, shortened texts, emoji, and date invitations via VKontakte, what does communication really mean?
It should mean that two people feel comfortable and trust each other when it comes to opening up to the other about important topics. We can express our deepest desires, needs and aspirations to our partner, but also our fears, insecurities and doubts.
Most of us have all of the above in abundance.
A relationship should be an emotional haven for us, a place where we know we don't have to put on the same "show" that we do for the outside world.
But that's what makes relationships so difficult.
Trusting another person with the innermost recesses of your soul is not an easy task. That's why this trust has to be earned and maintained over time.
Over time, however, it becomes easier and easier for us to share all the good, the bad, and the ugly with the person we have grown to love. These conversations clearly go far beyond the favorite movie, color, or toy you loved most as a child.
If we really want to get to know a person (and have them get to know us), there are several building blocks to put in place:
1. Past hurts or traumas
Hurts and traumas that have nothing to do with your current partner can still play a huge role in how they are perceived.
Think about it - months, years or even decades of past experiences (sometimes starting with your own family) create a story in your mind about what "love" looks like. About what "caring" or "helping" or "happiness" looks like.
Let's be clear, I'm not suggesting we all take our problems out on every person we meet, but part of building a strong and healthy intimate relationship is being honest about our past.
Better understanding the source of your partner's thoughts and feelings can help a person be more patient and sympathetic toward them.
If you haven't had hurt feelings or trauma in the past, that's a big deal for you! However, that doesn't mean others are as lucky. Part of fully accepting your partner into your life is seeing their story as unique and personal to them, regardless of what yours was.
2. What kind of friends they are
You may ask, "But what does this have to do with how they would behave in a loving relationship?"
We all know that friendship is a form of relationship, and that the best intimate relationships are built on the foundation of friendship.
We rely on each other, we travel together, we open up to each other, we spend casual Friday nights on the couch, we watch Netflix together.
The relationship consists of the same things as a friendship, only with an extra layer of intimacy... well, and shared bills, living together, maybe having kids, you know... everything else.
But the bottom line is this: the patterns of behavior in other types of relationships in their lives can signal the tendencies they'll bring to yours.
What kind of people do they prefer to be friends with? Do they trust them? What do they think of them? Do their friendships last a lifetime, or are they fleeting and rare?
As they say, you can tell a lot about a person by the people they spend time with.
3. How they handle their finances
Just because someone can make a lot of money doesn't mean they know how to use it properly.
Look at all the athletes, musicians, even lottery winners who end up going bankrupt, squandering amounts of money that most people could only dream of...
Wealth is not the main thing here, the main thing is responsibility.
Do you ever want to buy a house? Perhaps raise children and provide them with a happy and stable life? Travel? Buy a new car? Fulfill some lofty goals you've always dreamed of?
Or maybe you just want a warm and safe place to lie down for the night.
No matter what the nature of your desires, financial responsibility is a reality of life, the lack of which can create huge problems and stress.
In fact, financial problems are one of the leading causes of divorce.
(It's also important to note that you can't completely deprive yourself of life's pleasures. When the opportunity to pamper ourselves or a loved one arises, I believe we should take it. Life is too short to live just to pay the bills-just make sure they are actually paid).
4. How they handle conflict
Conflicts are (unfortunately) part of our existence, but they don't have to consume your life.
No matter how well two people get along with each other, there are bound to be things they disagree on. There are natural differences in our upbringing, our worldview - heck, just being of a different gender than your partner creates a completely different human experience.
It's the same way that external circumstances come up over the years.
Maybe they got fired during the holidays, and looming bills loom over them like a disgusting snowman (big deal).
How they deal with these conflicts will tell you a lot about their inner world, their ability to adapt, and how much confidence they have in themselves.
It will also show you their true attitude toward the situation and the people involved.
If you disagree about where to put the soap dispenser and it escalates into a huge argument about something you said once 5 years ago... then it's not about the soap dispenser.
If they can focus on the issue at hand and manage their emotions to stay calm under pressure, it creates a much healthier and calmer environment to resolve the issue.
Remember, it should always be you and them against the problem, not you and them against each other.
5. Plans for the future
You probably have some idea of what you want your future to look like.
So it's important to understand how your partner sees his or her future.
Where are you both headed in life? Where do you want to go? This is both a literal and metaphorical question, as your preferences about where you live play a big role.
Are you urban-oriented or rural-oriented? A quiet suburban area or a bustling multi-million dollar city? No kids or with 7 kids?
Of course, compromise is key, but it's also important to understand when your desires are too far apart to find a middle ground.
6. Your sexual needs
Another conversation in which trust plays a big role.
It's hard to open up to another person about our deepest desires. We may be shy or afraid of being judged.
This is why it is so important to establish trust with a person and make sure they are sincere in their intentions.
Most of all, we want to be loved and accepted for who we really are. We want to know that we can share all of our inner thoughts with someone who is willing and ready to accept them.
And we know that a lifelong relationship means being faithful and committed to one sexual partner for the rest of our lives. This should not be taken lightly, and certainly should not be left to chance, assuming we will be sexually compatible.
Understanding each other's needs and doing your best to meet them in this area is essential to maintaining a healthy intimate relationship.
An important note: never do what you are uncomfortable with for the sake of making the other person happy. That's why compatibility is key here, and mutual honesty is necessary to determine it. If you don't agree with something and you know you're going to regret it... don't do it.
7. Family History
My late grandmother used to say that "you marry into the whole family," and that is indeed true.
Yes, an intimate relationship is a relationship between two people, but it is still influenced and impacted by the ecosystem from which the two people come.
Family history shows what they consider "normal" when it comes to love, communication, caring, nurturing...
Often overlooked as well is the family history of mental and physical health problems that could potentially affect your children if you decide to have them.
8. How they give (and receive) love
We all perceive love and affection differently.
If someone values "physical touch," they may receive all the gifts in the world, but not feel loved.
Understanding how our partner gives and receives love is integral to making sure we express it to them in ways they can understand - and making sure they do the same for us in return.
9. How they care for others
My grandparents lived together for over 60 years before they passed away. They were literally inseparable. They were always together.
As they got older and faced illness, I saw them literally carry each other in their arms. Took care of each other.
My grandfather left the earth before my grandmother did. In later years, she still wore the jewelry he had given her, often talking about him.
The blessing and the curse was that her mental state deteriorated around the time of his death, so I don't think she ever felt the full brunt of it.
Why am I telling you about this?
Because I believe that's what true love for all eternity is all about. That's what the phrase "Till death do us part" really means. It means being there for a person in the most difficult and painful moments they have ever experienced.
Knowing how they care for others is very important, because one day the "other" may be yourself.
Not everyone will live out their years at home, as my grandparents were fortunate enough to do, but everyone will eventually live out their years. The quality of that experience depends largely on the people we choose.
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