Most of us, at some point in our lives, have felt that our trust has been undermined. Needless to say, this experience can be very painful. Perhaps we are still afraid to trust again. We think, "Who can I trust? And how do I know I can trust them?"
But trust is one of those things we can't just erase with an eraser. It's a critical component of our relationships; some call it the foundation. Without it, it's very hard to settle down and just love. Below are eight truths about trust.
1. Recognize that broken trust is universal
Let's start with the undeniable truth: We all have reasons not to trust. All of us have felt hurt, disappointed, rejected, frightened, and abandoned. All of us have suffered in one way or another, and all of us have experienced relationship pain.
In essence: we are all in the same boat. We say this because it makes us feel good to know that we are not alone. We've all been hurt, and we're all trying to avoid doing it again.
2. Don't use "trust" as a means of self-defense
We usually try to avoid pain in relationships by refraining from trusting until we are sure we are safe. Trust becomes a defense mechanism-if the person "earns our trust," we will gladly give it to them.
And therein lies the problem. Because there are never any guarantees. Asking someone to "earn our trust" often means that we are asking them not to make mistakes or cause us discomfort. And this is an impossible task.
3. Trust is not accompanied by guarantees, and that's okay
Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in relationships (computers have guarantees, but not people). And there are definitely no guarantees in a love relationship. We are too complicated for that. In fact - you won't like it, but what you can probably guarantee is that sometimes you will feel hurt by the people you love.
The truth is that disappointment, rejection, fear, abandonment, and misunderstanding are all part of the deal in relationships. We experience these feelings regardless of who we are with. Not because we are with untrustworthy people, but because we are human. Trust is a decision you have to make knowing that there are no guarantees.
4. Trust is not about finding the perfect, trustworthy person
Trust is about agreeing to overcome hurt feelings when they arise. If we treat trust from this perspective, it becomes much easier to trust. Suddenly we go from trying to avoid pain (which is impossible) to recognizing that we can overcome anything that gets in our way. This helps us feel stronger and therefore more trusting and less fearful.
5. Past grievances cannot justify distrust in the future
When we use past experiences as a reason for not trusting again, we are really only hurting ourselves. Again, we all have reasons for not trusting. Each of us has a long list! But shutting each other out only makes the problem worse-it doesn't keep us safe, it makes us lonely.
6. Faith is an anecdote about trust issues
What can you do to overcome trust issues? You can make a conscious decision and go for it. Exactly. Jump in and trust. When you decide to trust someone, it means that you believe in that person's honesty. To trust means you know that ultimately that person's intentions are good. And it also means you know that he or she may make mistakes. But building a strong relationship is possible.
7. You will make mistakes in a relationship, too
When we are scared, we make mistakes. By mistakes, we mean that we hurt others by not acting according to our higher integrity. Fear makes us act. And if you are honest with yourself, you know that you have probably acted that way too. It's unfortunate, but it's true.
If we could all realize this together and treat others (and ourselves) with compassion when we act aggressively rather than with judgment, this world would be a very different place, and our relationships would definitely be filled with much more trust.
8. External trust begins with internal trust
If we trust ourselves first and foremost, it allows us to treat the mistakes of others with greater ease and grace. If you know that no matter what - no matter what your partner does, no matter what problems arise - you will be okay, it will be easier to trust.
You realize that trust doesn't mean never having negative emotions again; it means knowing that you can handle anything that comes your way. This will build trust.
Trust is not choosing the right person. That is, it is a choice, so try not to choose blindly. But remember, you're not signing up for a relationship with a robot-you're signing up for a relationship with another person.
When you choose to trust someone, you are saying, "I know deep down you are a good person with good intentions. I know that you will be scared and lost from time to time, and I will try to be supportive and/or compassionate when that happens. And I know that ultimately my well-being depends on me alone."
That big statement is a real commitment. But it is also quite doable. When you do, you can offer trust to others as well, and it will serve as the foundation for many long-term, loving relationships.
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